Racoons with lightsabers

Yes. Yes, you read well. Today's post shall discuss the grave threat posed by racoons wielding lightsabers.
Before we go any further, let's go for a bit of history.
As you know, the Clone Wars lead to the downfall of the Jedis and the rise of the Empire. Palpatine, being the evil bastard that he was, ordered his scientists to conceive a breed of super soldiers, to use as his elite guard. Not that he had any serious enemy to fear at the time, but well, tyrants are paranoid. That's the main drawback to ruling with an iron fist a whole Empire.
Anyhow, let's not stray from our story. Darth Vader, out of boredom, took to supervising the creation process. Several months of hard work and the deaths of several scientists (Vader was "displeased") later, the geneticists team finally pronounced their task complete.
They had created a humanoid lifeform, which had surprisingly developped a furry tail. It seems that the outcome of mixing cells from wookies and Bobba Fett wasn't that predictable. When Vader was presented with the result, his initial displeasure turned into utter satisfaction when the specimen tore off the head of the nearest scientist and maimed a couple more. The poor thing even went for Vader himself, but a quick Force choke was enough to immobilize it. What the Sith hadn't foreseen was that his victim was sensitive to the Force and would try to fight back.
Of course, Vader being the most potent Force user in the Galaxy after Palpatine (and even that's not proven to this date), he had no trouble making the newborn creature yield. Remembering his childhood in Tatouine and the little beasts he used to toy with, he named the creature "Racoon". Afterwards he made sure the Racoons knew what their name referred to, thus humiliating them even further.

He ordered the remaining scientists to create a host of Racoons, and thus proceeded to training them in the dark arts of the Force. The casualty list was heavy. Out of the two thousands Racoons he trained, only twelve remained. Those twelve Vader presented to the Emperor. Palpatine ordered them to fight two squadrons of Stormtroopers. He was disappointed when Vader didn't object, as the fight was set up as much to assert the Racoons true strength as to hurt Vader's feelings. The last of Vader's humanity was rather fond of the Racoons, truth be told.

Imagine the Dark Emperor's surprise when the Racoons took their lightsabers out of their belts and started slicing through the Stormtroopers like a hot knife in an ice cream. Disbelieving his eyes, Palpatine lowered himself to the bloodstained arena. He summoned his own lightsaber, and swiftly attacked the next Racoon. After a few blows were exchanged, he knew his servant had brought him the perfect tool for his personal guard.

The Emperor handpicked six Racoons and garbed them in red capes that hid they furry legs and tails, for he didn't like their appearance. The remaining six were ordered to proceed to cryogenical ships and sent in outer space to conquer new worlds for the Empire. Darth Vader finalized their training and gave them further knowledge of the ways of the Force.

Two of these Racoons arrived, an undetermined time later, to a blue planet with a natural satellite, both orbiting around a yellow star. The first one crashed on top of a couple T-rex that were quietly dismembering a fallen diplodocus, and caused an ice age. A couple millenia later, the second one landed in what is now the Mediterranean sea. He was welcomed as a God by the Atlantean society, which was the most advanced human civilisation of these times. He quickly reached for the Force, and felt the Jedis from afar. For the first time of his life, he was free to do as he pleased. So he decided to enslave the puny humans.

That was done rather fast, what with the Dark side of the Force. Once this was done, he began to relax himself, and decided it was high time to give rein to the natural urges of his species. Of course, he tried to lay with human females, but it was disappointing for him, as they were too frail and hairless for him. The slaves suffered greatly from his displeasure, untill one of them mentioned the legend of the Ice Age.

The Racoon understood what was behind that, and immediately went in search of his fallen comrade, praying it was a female one. He landed in the North Pole and sensed a being asleep under the ice. Using the Force to locate it, he thawed the ice with his lightsaber, nearly exhausting the battery in the process. He was delighted to see that the being was a Racoon as well, and a female at that!

So he woke her up with the Force, but his delight was short-lived. He found out that his kin had slumbered too long in her Force-induced coma, and while the body still lived, the mind was dead to the world.

After a short debate with himself, he gave in to his urges and discarded their clothes. He went about his business, but while the body of his partner reacted to... stimulating, when he was done he was shamed. Still, he went back to Atlantis with the other Racoon in his arms.

For several years life went on, untill someday the female Racoon gave birth to four cubs. As he tested their abilities, the male Racoon found that they had no sense of the Force within them. He tried and tried, but to no avail. In his rage, he destroyed Atlantis and sunk the whole continent.

The cubs escaped, and procreated on what is now known as the European continent, and over the centuries the species dwindled, both in sentience and size.

But be wary, as the Force is still in them, and we never knew what happened to their genitors... Racoons with Lightsabers are the real threat.